Being 30 and How I Finally Embraced It

I just turned 30 earlier this month. And truth be told, I fucking dreaded it! I was so pressured with the fact that I had nothing to show for despite living three decades in this world already! I try not to compare myself with my peers as it would be quite unfair, mostly to me. Hahaha

But I guess it was inevitable especially since social media has taken over and I wasn't even very active in the cybersphere, until now that is. 😂

When I was in my mid 20's I couldn't imagine myself getting to this age. Too cynical, well yeah, I wasn't known as the little Ms. Sunshine to begin with and  I saw a lot of shit that made me a bit twisted and a whole lot sarcastic.

Reaaallly appreciated the surprise girls! :)

And oh yeah, I had my battles with my own demons too. I had close calls and there were days I just couldn't get up, days without showering, days without eating anything, days I didn't want to see or hear anybody and just cried my eyes out. When I wake up, I continously ask why am I still alive. Yes, yes, yes, I had those days. And I can't even say I wouldn't have those days anymore.

So, it was very overwhelming when this year came and the realization that I'll be in my 30's  rushed in. I didn't have any grand plans, in fact, I wasn't one to celebrate birthdays. My birthday usually fell on Holy Week, so go figure. Besides, I've always preferred an intimate get-together over parties any time of the day. 

But a week prior to the actual day, I woke up and realized that I couldn't really recall how I spent my 20's especially the later years. No fuck, like what were I doing during this time? And I couldn't recall with crystal clarity how I've been living prior. Did I just let my 20's go to waste? If my inner self could respond, I guess she would be like, "duh, tanong pa?"

So I started wearing my good clothes, the ones that you wouldn't have to wonder about my sexual orientation, hahaha. Put on a bit of bb or whatever the fuck was available for my face, tinted lipgloss and of course the magic pencil to line my really weird brows. My face and my hair, I don't really put much stock to them, not anymore. So when I tried to tidy up people at work noticed. I got teased a bit and more often than not was told there was someone inspiring me to dress up, hay naku no, wish ko lang! It's just that I figured that my body will not stay as fit, so when will I get the chance to wear those clothes if not now?

the office titas even took me out for a birthday lunch! :)

Then, I just realized being 30 isn't that big of a deal, a bit, but not that much. It was a change that I didn't exactly know that I would simply accept. As I said, I wasn't the type of person oozing with positivity so, yeah... I guess moving out from my parents' house, starting a new job and basically starting back at one reset everything. I wasn't as pigheaded to the idea of eating out with a group, taking some down time and getting chummy with colleagues and OJTs alike.

Also, I wasn't good with surprises but I got one from the pretty ladies of LSPU, our OJTs. I kinda busted it by calling the girls out to eat meryenda,  my modest way of celebrating. Yeah, for a 30th birthday, I was scrimping a bit, I was planning to go home and see the old folks, so tipid, tipid din aba! Though a bust, the surprise was something that warmed my heart and made my day extra special. The girls prepared a banner, a birthday cake and a gift. It was unexpected since I told them I was planning to have a little something served just so I could mark my birthday with them. Another OJT even chipped in since she had finished her training before the others.

not all of them were there but I appreciate the effort, even though I busted them! hahaha

the leader of the girl gang! hahaha

My co-workers eventually followed and ate their share while I continued the small talk with the girls. I gave a bit to some of the other employees whom I were close to. It was too bad that I wasn't able to give everybody since I didn't really anticipate their number. As I said, I don't do birthday parties and I was on a budget, a pretty tight one at that, hahaha.
 
Ohhhh, and get this, there was this little girl who sat by the corridor with her father, I noticed her giggling while she looked my way. At first, I didn't pay her any mind but since I've been to-and-from where they were and still saw her giggling and whispering to her dad, I stopped on the way back and asked her what was up, in my really cheery and sing-songy voice I use for the kiddos talaga. She flashed me a shy smile and hid her face on her father's arm.

Her dad then told me that she has been looking at me and referred to me as "Ate Ganda".  Like, OMG, no shit! This is the best birthday ever! Char!  But it was really heartwarming, I didn't even know them and I get this awesome compliment from this adorable kid. I didn't even feel particularly charming at that moment, but I felt at ease, happy even that despite running around earlier to do my usual reporting and monitoring, I was elated, I am now 30, starting over, dead tired, cried buckets prior but blessed beyond what I deserve for another year of life, learning, living and maybe loving, maybe lang naman! ;)

I guess that certain ganda she associated with me was due to the fact that at that very moment, I had nothing in my mind and heart but pleasant things. I had been looking forward to that very day and the days to come to see my family and friends back home. I mean, come on, I don't even look that good in the pictures taken that day, that's painfully obvious! But there's this random girl who looked at me with awe and I identified as her definition of "maganda", an adjective that was never, as in I don't even remember ever used to describe me, '"maldita" pa, madalas!

Ms. Bungisngis!

So yeah, 30 isn't that much of a big deal, I don't understand what the fuss was all about now, hahaha. And as my former boss said, 30 is the new 20! I have my whole life ahead.


P.S.
So if you are someone really close to me and you've taken the time to read this piece, allow me to thank you for being with me through the past years, for being a witness to my dramas and epic-fail, my pillar and light when I was blinded with whatever I felt and too preoccupied with shit, I hope you guys stay for as long as you can, and grow with me as well. Cheers to being 30! Kisses ~~~