Wakes and Burials

As you may know, my family and I spent the first few days of this year in a rather somber mood yet those days were also hectic and curiosity-filled. What am I talking about? Okay, so I belong to a rather large family and of a relatively conservative yet varied culture. There were a lot of things that we had to adhere during the wake, of which honestly most didn't make much sense to us. As the days went by, I thought about writing all the funeral customs I've heard as well as the practices I was, more than once, told to do.

I knew some of the pamahiin but I didn't really think much of it. But since I am among the "older" children in the family now I had to assume some of the responsibilities and deal firsthand with some of these Filipino beliefs and practices (take not that these are just some of them).

The wake:

1.  There should be at least one awake during the lamay (wake)

Having someone die in the family is not just emotionally taxing but physically and mentally too. But no matter how tired we were, there was always someone who stayed up all night. It was usually my younger male cousin Abe, since his friends often dropped by during the wee hours and well, he was the oldest male who stayed during the wake. Most of our relatives returned home for the night and came back the next day to relieve us.

This practice is probably the most mainstream but not necessarily done just by Filipinos. I think other Asian countries do this too. . . In a way, I feel like this showed our love and respect for the family member who left, yung tipong regardless of the situation, we're here- with you.

2. Don't sweep the floor

Apparently, sweeping the floor where the vigil for the deceased is, signifies that the the spirit is not welcomed by the family anymore. I've heard of this a lot and though I understand the sentiment, I wasn't keen on doing it especially when the floor where we had the wake was sooo dirty. I was on the verge of having a meltdown! I did tell my tito  first that I was gonna clean up and he was still welcome to make his presence known. And oh boy, how he responded to those words but that's another story. 

3. The candle should be lighted separately

You know the candle at the foot or at the head of the casket? Well, this one has a lot of do's-and-don't and fairly new to me. I always carry a lighter with me (even if I don't smoke) so it was no-brainer that I was tasked to make sure the candle didn't burn out. However, some of the guests were a bit shocked. 

I  was told that it wasn't something a family member should be doing but since most of the people in there were family I didn't exactly have much choice. Further, I was told that I had to blow the light out of the previous one before lighting the new candle; as lighting the latter through the first one's fire meant that another death would follow. Gotta tell you, I'm not one to follow traditions and all to the letter but I heeded to this one more than I intended to.

4. Wounds aren't going to heal / take much longer to heal when you attend a wake
That explains itself fairly well, right? There are other pamahiin associated with this one, like when a female has her monthly period. It's said that being in a wake would make her blood dirty. Honestly, I don't get that sh*t, your period is supposed to be dirty, its the female's way of getting her reproductive system ready for procreation, so yeah, it would involve some "shedding" and "bleeding".

Also, if one is terminally ill then it's not advisable for him/her to attend the wake, since he/she is almost at death's door and being in a place that screams death isn't a welcoming notion. The same reason applies for a pregnant women.

6. Food served / offered in a wake aren't supposed to be taken home
Filipino wakes are abound with food, people and merriment. Well after all the crying, the bereaved family would remember the deceased in a much lighter note, well at least we did. We looked over old pictures and shared stories. And since food plays a major role in Filipino get-together, well there was more than enough to go around.

There were also people who paid their last respects to my tito by sending snacks, boxes of juice, and other assortment of food especially on the last day of the wake or the huling lamay as we call it in Filipino. But even though there was a lot of food, the elders reiterated not to take anything home especially to the much younger guests. It is frowned upon to take even a single candy from the wake. I'm still not sure of the reason to this though.


The burial: 
1. All family members are supposed to leave before the casket is taken out of the hall.
Well, this doesn't need much explaining. We were told to leave first and wait for the casket outside. Purportedly, the living members of the family are not supposed to leave the venue after the deceased as such would suggest following the deceased to the afterlife, yikes!

2. The ribbons with the family members' name written on them are taken out.
You're familiar with this, aren't you? Well, these ribbons with each family members' names written on them are pinned in the lid of the casket, you know the part that covers the deceased face. After the final viewing, the funeral service staffs or in our case the staff from the cemetery take out all the ribbons in preparation for closing the lid, forever.

3.  Children are carried over the casket.
 There were a few children in our family, the ones present during the burial were Faith, Dylan, Lucas and Maco- the apos. They were carried over tito Henry's casket to ensure that he would not visit them anymore (he used to visit the kids a lot when he was alive) and scare the bejeezus out of them, probably.

4. All the foods, drinks and even the card games used during the wake are disposed of.
 We gave away all the snacks, juices and bottled water that were left during the five-day wake as traditionally none of these should be taken home by the family. The flowers were also scattered over the casket and around the  burial grounds. I think the only thing we brought home were  the food containers.


5. Before entering the house, the family members are supposed to wash their hands in saltwater or in some cases in water with guava leaves.
Supposedly this was to wash off death. I don't remember doing this when my paternal grandfather died but we did this, this time around. Upon arriving home, there was already a basin of cold water (with guava leaves floating) in front the gate, the elders told us to wash our hands and we did.


The things I've mentioned here are just a few of the customs Filipino families usually adhere to during wakes and burials. These are merely the ones we've done or that I'm aware of. Mind you, such even vary depending on where you are in the Philippines as you know the country isn't exclusive to just one ethnicity so there are customs and traditions that are quite similar yet a little bit different.

Student Blues

Reading and writing are not my favorite things,

Still I find some things interesting.

Math and Science can also be amazing;

But too much, I tell you can make one's head painfully throbbing!

Christian Living with Jesus' life and teachings,

Oh, how it reminds all of us to be humane beings;

Araling Panlipunan should not be disregarded too!

For through it, we are reminded of our heroes' struggles and woes.

While Filipino goes on to teach us of folklore and legends,

It also goes in depth with subject-verb agreement.

And even though we speak it almost everyday,

There's plenty more to learn and say!

Then there's Arts that gives shapes, textures and hues,

And then there's Music that makes tone-deaf sing the blues!

Physical Education, in turn pushes you to sweat out a lot,

And of course, Health Education that makes sure you eat smart and don't get fat!

At times, learning all these subjects is pretty hard, 

But remember, your effort is reflected in your report card;

So even if it means going the extra mile,

It's all worth it when you see your parents smile.

***

This particular poem was penned as a school project (just this school year.) I made some changes with this one as opposed to the one submitted

No Goodbye is Ever Easy

This is my first post for the year. While others had a rather loud welcome to the new year, my family and I were quite subdue. If we're friends in any social networking sites, you're probably aware that the last days of 2016 were already a bit sad for us. My uncle was rushed in the hospital and spent his last days in a coma. We prayed and kept vigil but as God's will prevailed we bid Kuya Henry our goodbyes on the 1st day of 2017.

Family pictures aren't going to be the same without you...

It hasn't been long since he passed away and it's still hard not to think about him or mention his name in our conversations. It feels surreal that he isn't with us anymore. Since we lived in a compound, we basically see each other every day. I often spend my afternoons hanging out with him or watching volleyball with him. Mind you, it's the only sports I love watching, (aside from soccer for an entirely different reason) since once upon a time I played it and Kuya Henry had been my coach too. 

In addition to this, in just a few more days, Kuya Henry and his widow would have celebrated their wedding anniversary. I still feel bad when I think about his family as he wasn't able to say goodbye to any of his children. I guess God has it all figured out, it may not make much sense to us in this lifetime but we are accepting that our loss is heaven's gain. Isn't it nicer to think that God is probably rounding up his angels and all the people that have served their purpose in Earth than to dwell on the hurt and feed our anger on the unfairness of it all? Besides, I don't think Kuya Henry would be happy knowing that we are doing the latter.

Kuya Henry (far left), Dylan, me and Kuya Al in a family outing years ago

As I think about it, his family still had a good Christmas, it was simple but more than enough to be remembered. I spent my Christmas with them and was beyond grateful that I didn't have to spend the holiday by myself. I cannot expound much on Kuya Henry's good traits as I as I don't want to sound patronizing. Moreover, I know I'll end up crying a river by the time I finish this post. And it isn't like he's here to appreciate such words anymore :(

Kuya Henry, Lucas, Dylan and me

But I tell you this, he was the head of a family for almost 28 years, a husband to Ate Josie, a father to Gine, Cha, Abe and Jake; the youngest brother to my father Jun, my aunt Susie, and uncle Boy for 57 years; an uncle to 'Nang Abby, Kuya Randell, Kuya Al, Ate Jac, Kuya Jesse, Ate Joan, Kuya Jojo, Ate Ka, Pedro and myself; a lolo to Faith, Aedyn, Dylan, Lucas, AJ and Maco. 

He was an average man in terms of how he lived his life. He had his quirks and sometimes it was hard to understand his humor, but he was funny all the same. He had his bias may it be in politics or sports. He liked going out, strolling in malls or watching the movies, even if it meant going by himself. He liked browsing the newest appliances, spent his free time either tinkering the broken umbrellas or simply chilling in the veranda with his cup of coffee and phone browsing his Facebook. He spent his mornings reading the daily's and accompanying Ate Josie who sells morning meals and at times, he would go off to see the youngest in our clan, Maco.

A visit to our grandparents in 2013

He renewed his faith and tried to live by God's words. He was a flawed man, just like the rest of us, but he was a good one and he had lived his life the best he could. It is our hope that he has nothing more to worry about, that he has gone with no regrets, no more of worldly things to hold him down. It still makes me teary-eyed when I remember Kuya Henry but I know that what I'm feeling doesn't come at par with what his children are feeling. It would take some time for us to remember him without feeling down or crying but in due time; after all, no parting was easy.

See, I told you he was funny! Goodbye Kuya Henry, until our next chikahan, let's see who delivers the better punchline, ok?

“Good bye may seem forever. Farewell is like the end, but in my heart is the memory and there you will always be.”
― Walt Disney Company


photo credits to: Alpo, Cha, Jia