I've had recurring thoughts of something bad. I haven't told anyone; since I knew it was wrong and would further make me self-absorbed which I refuse to be called. But I guess, I've always been like that and the demon I've thought I buried sometime ago managed to survive. It hid somewhere inside me and just waited in the deep recesses of my being for the time to strike; for when I was more troubled and hanging on a line. It wasn't something drastic but it was a gradual attack that I thought I could manage to defeat. But even then, I had fragile self-esteem and always had a push-and-pull perception of my worth. So when I woke up one morning, it didn't come as a surprise, I didn't like who I see anymore. I hated myself even more.
I was sad, angry at the same time. I no longer socialize and had been in-between jobs and finally not working at all. These took a toll on me. I saw no purpose for my being. Why am I even alive? At times, I sleep the day off as food had little bearing to me anymore. I didn't feel like taking showers and it would be like I was bathing in my own sweat before I go to the bathroom at all. Yet, there were better days. I was able to laugh and had decent conversation with others. But those were fleeting and then this dark mood would take over and I could no longer function at all. I didn't like people hovering, chatters or any human interaction. I had lost all my will and cannot even remember my dreams and aspirations before.
I know how my family felt. Their disdain and disappointment were palpable. Sometimes, they were even the first ones to step on my disheveled and already lost soul. I told myself, they were justified to do so. I didn't even like me anymore, so I shouldn't be expecting anything different. Still, when I hear them talking sh*t about me, its saddening and gut-wrenching. If I could have things differently, I would do good by them, but I cannot even help myself. And my friends who are happy and successful in their own right, I feel their disappointment and pity. I knew they could never understand all the sh*tty thing happening to me. After all, I fared better than some and had the world for the taking. But I was grasping for something beyond me.
They cannot fathom how hard it has always been to wake up in the morning and feel useless and tired of all that has been. And at night when sometimes I get reprieve, I'll be thinking about tomorrow and dreading just about everything. But even with all these worries, I can't feel anymore, it's close to having all your insides not existing. I am an empty shell. I am hollow. I've implored greater beings and fought within myself. I was tempted to ask if I am still loved and important. Because I could no longer feel so and everything has conspired against me. I know there are others who struggle much more than I do and have more pressing issues than I. But is my value less? Will nobody cry?
I identified the problem and somewhat knew the solution but as I said the inner being is detached to the physical form. No one could understand, no one was willing to help me anymore. So, if I go now, would it matter at all? Pray for me, help me. I don't know anymore but if things don't work out, please, I beg of you, light a candle for my soul and remember me fondly that's all.
I was sad, angry at the same time. I no longer socialize and had been in-between jobs and finally not working at all. These took a toll on me. I saw no purpose for my being. Why am I even alive? At times, I sleep the day off as food had little bearing to me anymore. I didn't feel like taking showers and it would be like I was bathing in my own sweat before I go to the bathroom at all. Yet, there were better days. I was able to laugh and had decent conversation with others. But those were fleeting and then this dark mood would take over and I could no longer function at all. I didn't like people hovering, chatters or any human interaction. I had lost all my will and cannot even remember my dreams and aspirations before.
I know how my family felt. Their disdain and disappointment were palpable. Sometimes, they were even the first ones to step on my disheveled and already lost soul. I told myself, they were justified to do so. I didn't even like me anymore, so I shouldn't be expecting anything different. Still, when I hear them talking sh*t about me, its saddening and gut-wrenching. If I could have things differently, I would do good by them, but I cannot even help myself. And my friends who are happy and successful in their own right, I feel their disappointment and pity. I knew they could never understand all the sh*tty thing happening to me. After all, I fared better than some and had the world for the taking. But I was grasping for something beyond me.
They cannot fathom how hard it has always been to wake up in the morning and feel useless and tired of all that has been. And at night when sometimes I get reprieve, I'll be thinking about tomorrow and dreading just about everything. But even with all these worries, I can't feel anymore, it's close to having all your insides not existing. I am an empty shell. I am hollow. I've implored greater beings and fought within myself. I was tempted to ask if I am still loved and important. Because I could no longer feel so and everything has conspired against me. I know there are others who struggle much more than I do and have more pressing issues than I. But is my value less? Will nobody cry?
I identified the problem and somewhat knew the solution but as I said the inner being is detached to the physical form. No one could understand, no one was willing to help me anymore. So, if I go now, would it matter at all? Pray for me, help me. I don't know anymore but if things don't work out, please, I beg of you, light a candle for my soul and remember me fondly that's all.
don't despair there are always better days. keep in mind that you are never alone in your struggle
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