While Life Is, Hope Is: Birthday Reflection

It's been four days since my birthday. Like the usual, I had a lot to think about and worry about too. I didn't look forward to it. Although, I kinda counted down the days but its for an altogether different reason, I was dreading it. I have come to a point in my life where I look at birthdays (at least my birthday) as a dreary affair and not-so much as a fanfare.

Maybe its because my life isn't worth celebrating, don't get me wrong though, I am grateful to be alive. But I haven't been doing anything worthwhile. Somewhere along the way, I became disillusioned and then had social anxiety, sort of anyway. Haaaaayay! I'm actually a few years away from marking three decades of existence but I'm still clueless as fvck about what to do in life. Friends had been poking fun at me and telling me to just get married already. A lot of my peers are already hitched and more are bearing children! Haha, if only such things were easy. 

gif from giphy.com

I always had to ask myself this question whenever my birthday nears, "What good has your life been?" and I've never really answered it. I look back at my life and realize, "Sh*t, didn't do much different from last year. Oh well." It's a freaking cycle, I know! It annoys the hell out of my family but it annoys me even more. The only thing that changed in my life is my weight and how I don't fit in my clothes anymore. Hehe...

I'm not that young to not know when I've screwed up. And thus far, I'm screwed! I made a series of bad choices when I was younger and pretty much living with the repercussions today. I need to change because well, I'm old and it's long overdue! So, I've been brainwashing myself, err, nasty term, conditioning, right! I've been conditioning myself to making the changes sorely needed in my life. I'm more than a little late but I'm putting my favorite Latin quote, "dum vita est spes est" to the test . After all, I may be old and fat but I'm alive and things are still worth giving a try, isn't that so? ;)